Feeling Rejected or Abandoned? Ways to Manage the Pain and Move Forward
Understandably, most people tend to associate abandonment issues with childhood. When a child faces neglect, the loss of a parent, or inconsistent caregiving, these experiences can have a detrimental effect, often resulting in self-esteem issues, symptoms of anxiety, depression, and/or interpersonal duress.
For many, issues stemming from the experience of neglect or abandonment in childhood can create emotional, psychological, or relationship challenges that persist into adulthood. Until they’ve been addressed and resolved, abandonment issues can impact adults in some serious ways.
When feelings of insecurity, low self-worth, or inferiority are allowed to linger, they can shape adult behaviors in negative ways. For example, the adult who feels rejected can struggle mightily with relationships of any kind — partners, friends, co-workers, and more. Fortunately, it’s never too late to identify the culprit, manage the pain, and move forward.
A Few Common Signs That an Adult Is Struggling With Abandonment Issues
Low self-esteem or self-effacing comments
An inability to deeply trust others
Engaging in actions that sabotage relationships
Very detached or very clingy behaviors
Seeking to control people or situations to avoid rejection
Mood swings and emotional volatility
Social isolation and/or withdrawal
Characteristics such as these can mean a number of different things, but collectively, they should probably not be dismissed as mere “quirks.”
How Abandonment Issues Can Harm Adult Relationships
Trust: When you live in fear of abandonment, trusting others can feel dangerous.
Self-Sabotage: This is most likely unconscious, but choices like jealousy, passive-aggression, possessiveness, defensiveness, and detachment can poison any connection. However, this can be viewed by some as preferable to getting too close before getting rejected.
Intimacy: People who didn’t experience healthy intimacy when they desperately needed it can fear this essential part of any relationship. Getting too close, they worry, is how rejection happens.
Ways to Manage the Pain of Abandonment and Move Forward
The effort you make to manage your pain, regulate your emotions, and heal from the trauma of childhood neglect or abandonment is often most effective when you connect with a compatible therapist. However, there are some specific steps you can take to both provide a foundation for managing difficult feelings and lay the groundwork for your healing.
Accept Your Feelings
What happened during your childhood is not your fault. Therefore, a very self-loving choice is to acknowledge the past and validate how it still makes you feel. Give yourself room to grieve as you move forward.
Challenge Your Negative Inner Voice
The circumstances of your early life almost certainly have embedded some negative beliefs in your mind. Now is the time to do some fact-checking. Beliefs you hold about yourself which stem from childhood abandonment are likely causing you undue suffering. You can talk back to your inner critic if you discern this voice is more hurtful than helpful to you. Practice the intentions below as you take steps to become more nurturing to yourself.
Practice Self-Compassion
You can find ways to provide yourself with the compassion and nurturing you’ve always wanted. Think of it as re-parenting, e.g.
Self-Soothing: Be actively kind to yourself — especially in times of stress. Develop ways to calm yourself when life feels overwhelming. Work with your therapist to learn valuable skills like mindfulness and journaling.
Recognize Your Triggers: Identify and name what can stir up fears and negative memories. This makes it easier to evade such situations, (or people).
Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries: When you know your triggers, you can effectively set healthy boundaries.
Develop Meaningful Hobbies and Interests: Enrich your life with ventures that light up your soul. Remind yourself that you are well worth the effort to enhance your joy.
Help Others: Living a life informed by altruistic service is a powerful step toward building self-esteem and breaking free of counterproductive patterns.
Self-Education: Learn as much as you can about abandonment trauma.
You Do Not Have to Go It Alone
A skilled mental health professional can be an invaluable guide on your path toward healing. An experienced therapist can support you to understand the origin of your malaise, restore your self-worth, and ultimately overcome your abandonment trauma. If you need more support on this journey, I invite you to reach out to me and learn more about trauma therapy.