How to Set Effective Boundaries When You're a People-Pleaser

There’s nothing wrong with caring for others or wanting to make other people happy. However, when you put other people above your own needs, it can quickly become a problem.

Maybe you’ve always considered yourself to be a people pleaser, or maybe you haven’t even realized you are one until recently. It doesn’t take long before putting other people’s needs and wants first takes a toll on your well-being, and it becomes apparent that a change is necessary.

Of course, that can be easier said than done when you’re used to putting yourself last.

One of the best things you can do to kick-start change is to have boundaries in place. So, how can you set effective boundaries when you’re a people pleaser?

Identify Your Needs

The first step in setting boundaries is to identify your needs and understand your limits. When do you start to feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or even resentful toward someone? Those are the moments when people have crossed a line, even if neither of you is aware it exists. Additionally, if something doesn’t feel desirable or even feasible to you, you should be limiting it. That includes things that take a lot out of you physically and emotionally, but also things that take up a lot of your time. That’s something you can’t get back.

As you identify your needs, consider your values. What’s important to you, and what things in your life do you want to prioritize? Being aware of your core values will make it easier to set boundary lines. You’ll be able to stand firm in things you’re not willing to compromise on.

Prioritize Your Needs

Once you understand your values and personal needs, make them a priority. That doesn’t mean you have to stop doing things for other people. However, as the old saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself first.

Practice self-care activities daily by doing things that nurture your mental and physical well-being. Staying physically active, meditating, writing in a journal, or even cooking or doing something creative can make you feel more confident and grounded. Caring for yourself will also help you recognize your worth, so you’ll feel more comfortable saying “no” when it’s necessary.

As you start to prioritize your needs, remember that your feelings are valid. They are not unimportant, and you shouldn’t dismiss them. So, if old habits try to creep in that make you want to push those feelings aside, remind yourself of who you are and the worth you hold.

Be Clear and Concise

When you’re used to putting others first, the idea of setting boundaries can be a bit scary. But boundaries don’t have to be rude, disrespectful, or hurtful.

Avoid hedging or vague language. Instead, be clear and concise about what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do. Use “I” statements to let people know how you feel. This will help them understand that you’re not blaming them for things, but you need to set some ground rules for your well-being.

Finally, make sure you enforce your boundaries. If someone crosses a line after they’ve been told what to expect, it’s okay to take action, including withdrawing from the situation.

Seek Support

If you find that you’re still struggling with the idea of setting boundaries, you’re not alone. It can take a bit of practice and self-reflection to start putting them in place, and you don’t have to tackle it on your own. Contact me to set up an appointment for anxiety or relationship therapy soon.

Together, we’ll work on bolstering your self-confidence and identifying your needs and values, so you’ll feel more comfortable establishing boundaries that work for you.